I Feel Very Guilty Whenever I Have Sex

27

I'm gonna head straight to the point. Prior to last quarter of 2019, I lived a not-so-decent life. I played around with girls and had a couple of FWB kinda relationship with most of my female friends. It was all cool until it became not so cool. There was no real connection with these girls and most of them eventually started wanting more (a committed relationship). I wasn't ready to deal and I'll end up ghosting them. I took an inventory of my life and I was dissatisfied with what I had become; rotating girls every other week was something I began to grow tired of. The sense of emptiness and dissatisfaction that came on me was overwhelming. I asked God to forgive me and I decided to get my stuff in order. I cut ties with the girls I was involved with and moved to a new place. New place, fresh start. At least, so I thought. The lockdown kicked in 2020 and it was basically the best time of my life. I started following church online, studying the Bible and praying every day. My businesses was flourishing even in the midst of an economic meltdown. I felt a peace I had not felt for a very long time. I stayed a full year without sex and I was genuinely happy with my life. I decided I was gonna go all the way; no sex till marriage. Even after the lock down was over, I still maintained a healthy relationship with God. I no longer saw girls as just ordinary sex objects anymore; my perceptive had changed. I got confident that I had gotten mastery over my emotions. I started to allow few female friends visit me again. They'd visit but nothing happened. Fornication was no longer appealing to me. This went on for a while until early this year. My neighbor, a young beautiful banker whom I had eventually grown fond of because of the enlightened discussions we usually have started visiting regularly. She'd visit me every now and then; we'd talk late into the night until I walk her to her house. Honestly, I had no intention of going down with this lady. She had become a good friend and that was all I wanted. But as you might have figured, that didn't last long. We eventually had sex and I felt horrible afterwards. I asked God to forgive me and promised myself it was a mistake and it wouldn't happen again. But it takes one relapse to restart a bad habit. An ex-girl visited and we had sex. Again, the same feeling of guilt and condemnation that I have done something wrong. I tried severing ties with my neighbor. But as it currently stands, we have sex every now-and-then even when we promise to quit. I really want to live a decent life. But it seems I have a problem with lust. I've prayed for God to help me; but whenever I feel I've got my act together and my Christian life is going well, I fall ! I can't even begin to explain how guilty and condemned I feel whenever I engage in this act. I've told my neighbor to stop visiting me several times. But then, the hormones kicks in after a stressful day of work and I'll eventually call her over for a chat. Most times we just have innocent chat about random stuff and nothing sexual happens. After some days when it seems we've gone back to being "just friends", the guards are loosed and we eventually end up having sex. She's actively tried to avoid me too but can't seem to help herself either. We've both talked about not wanting a relationship cause we're both busy with our careers and stuff. But I can sense she's beginning to crave that security and love. I on the other hand, I'm trying to end this unhealthy sexual relationship and get this constant sense of guilt and condemnation of sin off my chest. But it seems the harder I try, the more susceptible I am to this temptation. I seriously need to quit but can't seem to.

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