Officer I Am Mad

38

Praises Chidera Obiora ™ Etim, Akpan, and I, were returning from a party yesterday when we saw a body lying lifeless on the road. At first, Etim thought the body was alive. He tapped Akpan and pointed to the body. "See somebody's body on the road o." Akpan grabbed my hands and shouted in terror on seeing the body. I quivered in fear the moment Akpan held my hands. His grip was as tight as the handcuffs of a police officer. "What is it? What happened?" I exclaimed in fear. "See somebody has died." Akpan pointed. I was still trying to look at the body when Etim began to approach the body. He tapped the face and shook the body. "He is dead." Etim announced. "Dead? Let's get out of here." I exclaimed worriedly. We were just about running off when the siren of a police van sounded behind us. The van chased towards us speedily and halted instantly, letting its tyre screech on the black tarred road. Two police men holding shot guns, jumped down from the van and pointed their guns directly at us. "Drop your weapons. I say drop your weapons or we shall fire." One of the policemen shouted. Etim and I were trying to lift our hands up, when the police man shouted again. This time more seriously - acting like one about to pull the trigger. "Drop your weapons first. Drop your weapons." "Oga we no hold weapons o." Etim announced. "Yes sir. We no hold weapons. Just our hands sir." Then Akpan turned towards me. "Or Praises you hold any weapons?" "Which kind yeye question is that one?" "No vex. I am just asking." "Kneel down. Lift your hands up." I knelt down immediately and lifted my hands up in total surrender. Instead of Akpan and Etim to also kneel down, they started dancing like masquerades. The police men approached us and gaped at Akpan and Etim. Akpan sat down on the floor and started rolling on the dust like someone manifesting demons in a church. Etim bent his buttocks towards the police officer and started manifesting the characteristics of a dog. He kept talking gibberish. "Officer slap my nyash. I say slap my nyash for me na. Officer officer. Don't you like nyash? Officer, like my soft nyash now." My heart kept pounding hot yam. I couldn't believe that Akpan and Etim had chosen this particular moment to play tricks. "These two boys are mad." One of the officer announced. On hearing the police announce their madness, Akpan and Etim started dancing away and talking gibberish. "Stop there." The police officer shouted. He corked his gun and pointed it at them. "No, let them go. They are mad men. They can't possibly kill this man in this manner." The second officer spoke. He turned and pointed at me with suspicious looks. "This one here that has sense must be the murderer. Bundle him into the car immediately." I turned towards the officers and started explaining my mental condition. How could he say I have sense. "Sir I don't have sense o. I swear to you sir I don't have sense. I am also mad. Sir please. I am a mad man. Forget I am normal now, but I swear I will be mad later." "You can become mad when you get to the station with us." "Sir, I swear ask my mother. I am mad; a very serious mad man. All my family know I don't have sense. I can die anyhow sir. Even presently to die is doing me. Officer do you want me to die for you?" My name is Praises Chidera Obiora, and I am the best at what I do.

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